Updated: Mar 17
Obviously, some persons are single because they choose to be single. They choose to not be in a relationship for their own personal reasons and that is okay. On the other hand, some persons are single not because they choose to but because of other variables that can be changed. Many women and men ask the question why am I single? The first thing I will tell them to do is look within yourself and be honest with yourself about what need changing, then start doing some spring cleaning on yourself.
Unhealed wounds from past pains is a common reason why persons are still single. Some persons that I have spoken to, have expressed the trauma that they have been through from past relationship and they relive that trauma everyday as if it happened couple hours ago. This type of pain leads to an increase in hurt, fear, anger, bitterness and resentment, which spills over into other area of their live. Your aura has shifted from positive to negative which keeps persons away from you. When you constantly pick at a wound and not allowing it to heal or take the appropriate medication for it to heal, it becomes infected and spread to other parts of the body. This is also how it is with emotional hurt, if you not allow yourself to heal, the other areas of your life will become infected. The other relationships in your life will be unhealthy, you will have few friends, the relationship with your family is strenuous, and all other relationships. The truth is, no one wants to be around something that is infected and dying, no one wants to be in a negative atmosphere. Refusing to heal and cuddling pain is the reason why you might still single.
Your character is the soul of who you are. It is what attracts persons to you. It defines who you are. When we are born our character is as pure as a virgin’s body, but through different journeys and relationships in this realm our character changes, either for the good or the worst. When we get wounded, we stay wounded and nurse the wound as if it is our child. This led to a dramatic negative change in your character. Daily you wake up with incremental pain and you broadcast this hurt to everyone who will listen instead of finding a solution.
I have been in some unhealthy relationships in my past and I was heading down that road where I was a bitter, jealous wounded animal and one day I looked in the mirror and I didn’t like who I had become so I made a decision to change. I changed my mindset, I accepted the past and develop the mindset of, “what is done, is done and cannot be undone”. I looked for the light in darkness and choose to transform the sinking sand of pain into a ladder of success and opportunities. No matter what happens to you in life, you are the one who chooses how it affects you. You are still single because your character has a foul smell. It doesn’t matter how pretty, wealthy, educated and all the other materialistic things you have in this world, if you do not have a golden character no one will want to attach themselves to you. I am not diminishing the pain and the betrayal that you have been through; all I am saying is not to let the pain transform you into a worst version of yourself. In order, to attract the right persons in your life and your future spouse you need to have patience, love, forgiveness, kindness, understanding, wisdom etc. These characters create a positive energy and attracts the right persons that you need in your life. Your energy will help you to locate the spouse that you need and who will complement your life.
There is nothing wrong with dreaming big and asking largely. The error lies, when your goals are not SMART. When setting a goal, your goal needs to be simple, measurable, attainable, reasonable and time bound. Many single people who I have spoken to have given me a never-ending list of unrealistic goals, and things that they expect in a man. One client said to me she wants a guy who is dark, tall, handsome, rich, spends a lot of time with her, cook and clean, of the same religious mindset, from the same country as her and the list went on. When she finished, I said now I realized why you are still single, and not married, lol. We set these unattainable goals and complex goals that we will never achieve because they are only a fiction of a movie writer’s imagination. These types of unrealistic goals only focus on the exterior and materialistic part of a person. There is nothing wrong in desiring a man or a woman who has already made it and is doing well materialistic wise, but in reality most of those persons are already married; if they are single most times they only date within their social status, in very rare cases they ended up being with someone of a lower social status.
I developed a process that one should go through when looking for a spouse, that I teach to my clients. One of the phases is to develop 3 main things that you need in a spouse, this will be the blueprint of helping you locate the kind of person that you need for a long-term marriage/relationship. These three goals are private to you and no one else. If you are dating and the person does not meet all three characteristics that you are looking for in a person then you will not waste time dating them. The three main things must be SMART goals. For example, when I was looking for a spouse my main three things were, he had to be a Christian, no children and from the continent of Africa. Once you have met someone who met all three goals then you can move on to the longer list of things that you desire in a man and these ones are comprisable and realistic.
When we set unrealistic goals, we are losing out on opportunity to be with a great person. Your spouse may not always come refined buy you may find them in a raw natural state, and that is okay because once you find that person who makes your heart melt and give your life meaning you are always willing to change and become more refine for that person.
Most Christians are still single because of their religious mindset. They think that one day they will wake up and their husband will just automatically appear, and the heavens will open, and angels will come down and say this is your husband or wife. It does not happen that way. The bible says that God gives us free will to choose whatever we want. It also says that if any man desire wisdom let him ask and I will grant it. The latter part is often forgotten and instead a fairytale is being formed in their minds, which is a function of why they are still single.